Today’s Focus: Are you Connecting with Others Successfully?

“No… I REALLY don’t think I want to put my social capital on the line for you.” That was my gut reaction when I asked about making an introduction recently. I chatted with a mutual contact from my network, and they assured me that my thinking was probably the right call.

Why? This person had shown me in the past that they were not a good contact and could possibly burn bridges, and could by their actions, possibly damage my reputation.

You have to be so, so careful when connecting with others: there’s a TON of psychology and timing involved.

Some tips to consider and remember:

1. Always get double-opt in if you’re connecting two people. Foisting someone on another person without permission can at best be inconvenient, and at worst, cause serious damage to your relationship with that person, because it shows zero consideration for what they have going on in their lives.

I remember years ago doing this, and it was received poorly – I learned from that moment, and ever since then, I make sure I have permission on both sides. There has to be a rationale provided, too.

“X, I’d love to introduce you to  Y: the reason I’m connecting you is because ______________: may I connect you with them? It’s okay if it’s not a fit right now, or, if it’s just plainly not a fit.”

This gives them options and gives them permission to not connect, with zero risk of losing face. You’re removing any negative action by putting permission upfront.

It reminded me of this recent Chris Voss clip (he’s a former FBI hostage negotiator):

2. Consider the nature of your relationship with the person who is asking for a connection. You work hard to build up your network: do you want to risk it for someone?

I made a mistake once in connecting someone that I thought was a good potential person to a firm that I know. He had great energy, was smart and was the son of a senior executive of a big firm. He grew up in a house where business was done and done well, clearly.

The CEO of the firm I sent him to said he sat down and said, “So what do you do here?”

Guess how I felt about that connection? Never again would I introduce him to anyone. The CEO, thankfully, was good natured, as they had hired numerous other people I sent their way and laughed it off. I didn’t share the sentiment, but it was a good lesson for me.

3. If you’re doing outreach, and not getting responses, there’s a reason. I often see behaviour from job seekers like commenting on posts (not necessarily bad, except that’s the only attempt at outreach and relationships building – it looks like you’re throwing spaghetti at the wall, frankly), or, just sending cold messages with no answer to “What’s in it for me?”

If you’re not answering that question, you’re not going to make it.

The email below is a real email response I received:

What did my outreach look like? It was set up like this:

• Tom, I suspect you are busy: I wanted to follow up because I see the following opportunity in us connecting ________________. When you have a free moment, if you can let me know if you’re interested (a “no” is perfectly fine, too), that would be great appreciated. Thank you for your time! You show understanding for them. You give them permission to say “no”, too. 
• Hi Jane! I sent you an email about two weeks ago that outlined the following items: A, B, C. Would it make sense for us to connect some time in the coming weeks? You don’t make them work in looking for the previous email, and you give them an option on “does it make sense?” and “coming weeks” is very loose in orientation – it isn’t a demand.
• Hi Flavio, I wanted to follow up: Janice had mentioned that there would be value in us connecting, and based on my understanding of your work, I’d love to learn more about your priorities. It’s about them and reaffirms a mutual/familiar contact

1. 1. Toes to Nose: Practice observing people’s non-verbal cues—from their posture to their facial expressions, and everything in between—without jumping to conclusions. Reflect on what these cues might reveal about their emotional state.
   2. Palm of Hand: Focus on asking open-ended questions that tap into personal and emotional experiences. For example: “Can you tell me about an experience that shaped who you are today?” or “How did that experience make you feel?”
   3. Snoop: Pay attention to someone’s environment—personal items, workspace, or surroundings—and use these observations to ask thoughtful questions. For instance, if they have travel photos, ask: “What’s your favorite place you’ve visited and why?”
   4. Amplify Connections: Use follow-up questions that fuel a personal, emotional, experiential or genuine response amplify connections.

I certainly didn’t ask Gina to do this, but she was very kind to share an impression of our discussion: is that a strategy that you should test? Elevating others is often well received: think about what could work for you.

2. Get feedback from people you trust. Tell them about what you’re doing, get them to join a call or two, read email exchanges, etc. See what they see and listen and be receptive to feedback.

3. Test and try new things. If you’re not getting bites on your outreach, it’s for a reason. Consider the human on the other side: why aren’t they responding? Is it them? Is it your message?

4. If you’ve had meeting but aren’t getting follow-up, there’s a reason. First be empathetic and consider: was it you? Is it timing? Be patient, with a reasonable level of persistence. If you don’t hear back after 3 outreaches (I always suggest sending a LinkedIn DM these days as one of your outreaches, as email isn’t reliable 100% of the time), it probably means they are either busy, or they don’t want to follow up with you. You can’t win them all, but, if you’re kind, humble and curious, you’ll have a better chance moving forward.

Over to you – what mistakes do you see from others? What tips would you give to others?