Today’s Focus: Dealing with Grief

Grief is tough.

Really, really tough. For myself in the past year, I’ve lost grandparents, I’ve seen friends experience loss of loved ones, too.

I had a conversation recently with someone whose significant other is dealing with cancer; another friend’s son has cancer.

Wherever you look, there’s no shortage of sickness out there; but, grief isn’t just about losing people in a life and death sense: it can also be tied to the loss of precious items, close relationships that have changed and more. I know I also have friends in the US right now that are grieving what they fear will come, and other friends from all over who are currently mourning what is happening to their people. There’s not shortage of grief and sadness, to be sure.

A while back, we explored how those feelings can come into play when you lose your job: it’s very real, as anyone who has ever lost their job can share with you.

Sabina Nawaz, CEO Coach, Keynote speaker and author (who is currently writing a book – you can pre-order it on Amazon.com , Barnes and Noble, or on our Bookshop.org (US) store), wrote a number of years ago about the concept of anticipatory grief while at work: “While the average length of bereavement leave is three to five days, there is even less institutional support for anticipatory grief, or grief that occurs before an impending loss.” The systems of work are generally not equipped to let us handle this anticipatory grief, or, perhaps even worse, what happens after grief strikes.

The mental load that we have to deal with while navigating work, the source of our grief and everything else can be immense: and that’s just directly on the person in question. What knock-on effects are present for the people in their life? What about their teammates at work?

If you are experiencing grief: 

1. STOP. An acronym from wilderness survival I learned years ago is exactly that: Stop, Think, Observe, Plan. When your brain is overwhelmed, you need to be deliberate about your choices, and being systematic can help.
2. Give yourself some grace.  You’re not going to perform your best right now, and that’s okay. Heck, you might need to take some time off, take a day and watch Netflix while you have popcorn and pizza. Am I hitting on anything here? You know what works well for you, so, as you STOP, consider: what fills your bucket? What fills your bucket right now? Ideally, it’s not leaning into things that are negative and could have harmful effects: pizza might make you bloated, but a good gym session can put you back on track.
3. Seek help, guidance and wisdom. Maybe you’re spiritual, maybe you’re not, but every person has a system of how they view the world. You might be someone that believes that the more you suffer in this world will bring you rewards in the future, which may allow you to embrace this time. Whatever your system is, there are resources and people that you know of that you can tap into as you navigate this time. Please, do it: I know it’s tough.

For leaders and managers: 

1. Pay attention. Some people will tell you their life’s story every day, while some are lockboxes that will never disclose even the worst time of their life. It’s vital that you watch for things like body language and non-verbals, watch patterns of behaviour (are there new changes in how someone is acting recently) and make sure you are listening. You can pick up a lot when you pay attention. Some people will not want ANY change, and some may need a lot: that’s your job to listen and do your best to make it happen for them, as much as possible.
2. Make room. Grief can linger for years, depending on the situation. What would happen if you gave your team a Friday off “just because”? Consider ways that you can tap into morale boosters (NOT FORCED SOCIAL OUTINGS – LET’S BE CLEAR!) to create an opportunity for someone to feel a bit better. That’s relative for everyone, but, imagine you give a day and say, “You can do anything you want to do today, outside of work: I’d love to hear how you spent your day, if you want to share”. What an opportunity to create meaningful connection.
3. Be kind. This comes back to knowing your team. If you know certain things are triggers, again, be kind.

I hope if you’re dealing with grief today you can find what you need. Give yourself some time and maybe try applying STOP to see if you can see a fresh perspective.

I’m here for you, and know there are others in your life who are, too.